Our time in Costa Rica has been anything but a vacation. It’s been hard and it’s been messy. Many tears have been shed. But let me tell you how sweet it has been. God has written a beautiful story of transformation over the past two months and has pulled me into an intimacy I've never had before.

When we started in Jacó, I quickly became aware of a spiritual war going on in the city. At first impression, Jacó appeared like a chill, happy, “Pura Vida” town, but it might be one of the darker places I’ve ever been. The city is known worldwide for sex tourism, but that’s not the only evil we were encountering. Lust, greed, lies, anxiety, pride and fear are all weapons that Satan is unleashing on the people here- including me. I faced an unprecedented amount of confusion, exhaustion, and temptation. Past wounds reopened, new lies flooded my head. I was distracted, hurting, and exhausted. But I felt like I could power through. 

When we transitioned to San Jose, I found some relief and rest from the spiritual pressure but my physical health took a downturn. I had to say “I can’t” to my teammates a lot. But I felt like I could power through. Then one morning, I got a call from my Mom that my Dad had been rushed to the hospital with breathing complications from Covid. My sister had also just received her positive diagnosis, and my mom was awaiting results from her most recent test. My mind spiraled into “worst-case scenarios” and I felt that my fears for my family when I left were coming to reality. This was a final straw. I couldn’t power through anymore.

I found myself at an ultimate place of “I can’t.” I can’t keep going on like this, because nothing is changing and I’m just beaten up and exhausted. I can’t fight away my problems. I barely survive like this- constantly grappling and wrestling and fighting to survive. I broke down before God. I had no words to pray except “Father, I can’t."

Something happened in that moment. I knew in my Spirit I was in the presence of God. I felt Him cover me with His wing and create a secret place for me where I can be completely alone with Him. Immediately all fears, worries, and swirling thoughts silenced, and a powerful wave of rest passed over me. All I could do was worship the Lord. In this secret place, God showed me that the things I wanted- protection, rest, and peace- were inherent parts of His character. I was trying so hard to find and plead for the gifts, when all I had to do was commune with the gift giver. I didn’t even have to ask for anything, because just being with Him is enough. 

Discovering that caused a grand shift in my heart and mind. Very little about my physical circumstances has changed- I’m still tired, the enemy still attacks, my family is still sick- but I’m no longer sitting in the suffering. I sit in the presence of my Father God. I realize that I cannot do a thing by myself, but "with God all things are possible." With each intimate moment I spend with Him, I have become absolutely obsessed with Him. I want to love Him more, I want to serve Him more, and I want Him to get the glory He deserves in all the Earth. I'm officially no longer a victim of my feelings and circumstances.

I like to think that we Christians do have good intentions. When we suffer, we are determined to get through it. When we pray, we ask for gifts that will help us endure. But I think God and His gifts are a package deal. God’s never going to give us gifts that empower us to live life without Him. We are never going to have enough strength, or patience, or energy to not need Him. It's not because He's withholding, it's just not His design for us. I think that we were made to constantly and desperately cling to our creator- to live attached to the vine and to daily go back to Him in emptiness to be refilled. God does want to give us good gifts, but the best gift is Him and His Holy Spirit. When we personally encounter the God of the universe, it’s only natural that we fall so deeply in love with Him. If we really love Him, we pursue Him, and in Him we find sustenance and a resolve to return glory back.

If you are reading this and resonate with that “I can’t” cry, there is hope. Don't sit in your suffering, but let brokenness compel you to run directly to the Father and sit in His presence. 

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day.” Psalm 91:1-16

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

If you have any questions about the ministry we have been doing in Jacó or San Jose, please reach out! I'd love to tell you more!