(re)discovering a heart of worship

Music was always important to me growing up. I wanted to learn to read music and can remember playing Christmas carols with my grandmother at the piano as a little kid. My parents were high-school sweethearts in band, and always spoke fondly of the fun they had with their friends at football games and contests. I joined band in middle school and stayed in it throughout highschool. I made some of my very best friends in band, studied under amazing teachers, and was so proud of the music we were making. It was fun to play new pieces and try new genres. I was never the most disciplined practicer, but I loved the satisfaction of accomplishment- finally performing that hard piece after months of hard work. When it came time for college, I decided I’d major in music education, to teach or conduct as my career. 

However, my experience in university music was nothing like I hoped it would be. People in the music program were not just there for fun and camaraderie. For many, it was about perfection and competition- achieving excellence and being better than everyone else. In order to keep up, I simply didn’t have time for anything else- including God. And the only way I could temporarily escape the stress of my studies was to party. 

I set myself on a spiral that led me farther away from God. By my sophomore year, I found myself anxious, depressed, and in an abusive relationship. I couldn’t go party anymore, and my music friends didn’t really know what to do with me. When I suggested that I change my major, I received huge backlash from my professors. I didn’t know what else I would study or do for a career, but I knew this wasn’t sustainable. At last, when I needed Him most, I had a personal encounter with God that set me again on the path of following Him. I decided to leave the music program and start a completely new chapter. 

When I left music, it was out of hurt: hurt from friends, professors, but most of all, the hurt I did to myself by setting up an idol in front of God. I was ashamed and still bruised. I put away all my instruments and promised that I would never play again. I completely buried that part of my story. I didn’t play any music for several years, and did a pretty good job of forgetting.

It wasn’t until I got to the race and started sharing the full version of my testimony that I realized how much hurt and bitterness was still buried with music. My friends were understandably surprised to hear about my music background, but when they suggested that God might redeem it, I immediately shut it down. Throughout the race, as I continued to share my testimony, friends continued to prophesy that God would redeem music- not as a career or personal accolade, but as a form of worship for Him. I always brushed it off. 

Now, we are in the final stretch of our race. A few weeks ago, I was prompted by God to ask, “what more do you have for me on this journey?” This dangerous question led me back to music, and again I wanted to dismiss it. Why? I have experienced an immense amount of growth and freedom on this trip- I’ve learned so much about God, discovered my true identity in Him, and conquered so many lies I used to live by. Why didn’t I want to give Him this part of me? It wasn’t until my friend prayed, “Lord let us all be leaders of worship,” that I reluctantly agreed to obey and trust Him. 

In this season of the race, I am discovering how much I truly love the Lord. I want Him to receive the glory and worship He deserves. He is perfect, so holy, and absolutely good, and He deserves every word, every step, every breath. So surprise: I AM PLAYING MUSIC AGAIN! I’ve borrowed my friend’s guitar and am relearning how to play. It’s hard and scary, but I have seen so much fruit from my small faith. God hasn’t given music back exactly as it was before- it’s completely different this time around. I never used to use music to praise God, but now, that’s the only reason I play. It’s not about me, it’s only about bringing a offering to my Father. I am free to make a mistake, because I am playing for an audience of one! I don’t desire to be better than anyone, and I don’t even need to be “good.” I just want my Jesus to receive the full reward for His suffering! 

There is nothing that God doesn’t want to heal, redeem, or restore to us. He is always calling us to go deeper with Him, from one glory to another. But we get in the way. We ignore God’s promises and disobey His calls to trust. We cover our brokenness and bury bad memories in order to feel better. We trust our doubt instead of the God of the universe. Our weak faith prevents us from receiving the full freedom and joy He wants for us! 

Are you satisfied with where you are, or do you want more from God? 

Are you willing to uncover past hurt for the sake of greater freedom and healing?

Are you willing to ask the dangerous question, “what more do you have from me?” and obey whatever He says?